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My grandmother passed April 18th at 6:30a.m.
 
We heard the news that morning and took off in the car racing to get there, for what I don’t know she is gone. My mom wanted to pay her respects. It was awful seeing her laying there lifeless and cold. My mother ran to her side like she was able to wake her up. I just stand there by my mom’s side. I couldn’t touch her and feel her cold clammy skin. Her eyes where shut, thank goodness. What I couldn’t prepare for was my mom’s reaction she was talking to her like she could hear her words. My dad there on the other side of Mom holding her tight afraid to let go; seeing that mom was unsteady. I just stood there staring and trying not to cry. I don’t want to make a show.
Pain is private I think everyone should understand that and not make an issue out of it.
Just look away at the ceiling; anywhere but in the eyes. Words fail in describing how we feel in this moment.
I was glad to leave I hate undertakers; how can they do what they do and still smile. See people’s pain of loss and get numb by it so that it is just another death. It is inhuman. I cried when I drove back to my aunt’s house. Everyone looked like hell. Sleepless night I guess; waiting for grandma to die. She died in pain no thanks to my aunt. Who still thinks grandma had a yeast infection. She had cancer of the liver. Few knew at the time; grandma was good at keeping secrets. She knew she was going to die she just didn’t know when exactly. My aunt being a “health nut case” tried to give grandma every natures cure even took her to see a witch doctor. Who claimed that grandma has yeast and that was causing her illness. Stupid! She took care of grandma while she was ill but, she sucks at taking care of anyone but, herself. She will have to live with herself now. I wouldn’t want to bear her burden.
Grandpa is strong keeping a stiff upper lip. Then his eyes meet mine and he tells me he don’t know what he is going to do now; living with someone for over forty years he thinks of being alone. He loved grandma as much as any man I suppose can love a woman. I hugged him and told him time heals all wounds papa. I should know about loss but, I never lived with anyone for over fourty years.
Then comes the planning stages; who, what, when and where. Skip all that to the memorial. Family came in from all around the country. Cousins I haven’t seen since childhood appear. It is too bad it took grandma dying for them to show. They really missed out on a lot of her in their life. It was like old time’s when we were young; playing pool and talking about whatever. Drinking beer and what not; just catching up after so many years. Grandma would have loved to be here and see all of us together. Family was always most important to her.
I spoke and sang at her memorial. Over two hundred guest. Not a dry eye in the whole bunch. What pained me most is seeing my grandpa cry and my uncle they are men’s men; too tough to every show emotion. They don’t make them like that anymore. First time I saw either of them cries; it was heart wrenching really. Only a few of us grandchildren spoke about grandma due; to people’s comfortably to be in front of a crowd. I sang her favorite song; I come the garden. She loved it when I sang that song for her. I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes in hope’s that I wouldn’t crack my voice. The lump in my throat was ever growing.
I believe though we morn the loss of a loved one we should also celebrate their life. That should be the focal point in a memorial and not how she died. I want that for myself. No tear please- just laughter! I’m just like that I guess.
At the cemetery where she was buried there was a line of other families waiting to burry their loved ones. It was sad really, we had a time limit due to the war a lot of service men where being buried that day. Makes you think doesn’t it. The old should die but, the young. Heart breaks for them all. It was a beautiful sunny day. Life still goes on even when we are not; as it should be I think.
I am glad it is over though now I’m back to my life as it was for the most part left all that behind in Pa. I will celebrate the memory of my grandma by seeing the beauty in life.  | 
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